Where is my sample? I sent it in at least a week ago and haven't heard anything.

Chances are we don't have it yet. We do a pretty good job keeping up, and unless there was a holiday or something and we're just inundated with samples, we try to run it the same day or the day after we receive it in the mail.

Aw, come on. Are you sure you don't have it stashed away somewhere?

Trust me. We don't make money unless we run your sample, so we don't have any reason to leave them sitting around in back somewhere. If you receive more kits from us or find your credit card has been charged, then we did get it, but your email report didn't go through. Give us a call.

You know, I thought the post office looked kind of suspicious when I took the sample in. Since you don't have it yet, maybe it's lost. Should I yell at the post office?

Feel free, but it probably won't get you anywhere. If you didn't pay for tracking, they probably won't be able to tell you where it is any more than we can.

But I need to yell at someone. How about you? Can I call up and yell at you?

Knock yourself out.

Seriously. How long should I wait before I give it up for lost and send in another one?

Give it at least a month. They don't actually get lost very often, and they do usually find their way here eventually. Sometimes they go to another lab and then to us. Sometimes they get held up in quarantine while the post office figures out whether it's hazardous. (For the record, it's not: You can print off a letter that explains so here.) And sometimes, we think the pony must die en route to Indiana.

Is there any way to avoid the post office hassle?

Sure, put your sample in a box. Postage will cost a little more, but it might be worth it. Or, send it UPS or FedEx. Or, put stamps on it ($1.85) and drop it in a mailbox.

Do I need to have one of your kits to send in a sample?

No. You can send it in any package that won't leak. Notice the key words here: won't leak. Any clean and dry container with a screw-on cap should be okay. Bad choices for the mail include Tupperware, film canisters, pickle jars, and aspirin bottles. Believe me, nothing ruins my day like opening an oil sample and getting oil all over my clothes.

How about tape? Will it help if I tape the hell out of it?

Apparently everyone loves tape. We get so much tape on oil sample containers that we should be in the used-tape business. But you know what doesn't work very well? Scotch tape. Don't do it. It's really not any good. Our apologies to the Scotch tape people. Now electrical tape - that's tape we can respect.

I don't think you understand my deep, unyielding love of tape. I am going to tape that container so well, the oil couldn't get out if it tried.

You and everyone else, brother.

I'm a little confused about how this kit works. I see a black bottle, a white bottle, some gray stuff, a Ziploc bag, and a slip.

Put the oil in the white bottle, put the bottle and the gray absorbent material in the bag, then put the bag and the slip in the black mailer. That way, if your sample leaks, it's contained in the bag and doesn't get all over your slip or check. The bank really hates it when we send them oily checks. Also, make sure the lid is on tight! We can't test your oil if it all leaks out by the time we get it.

How much oil do you need?

Our bottle holds 3.5 oz, or a little less than half a cup. You can get away with less, though we need at least 2.5 oz to do all of our tests.

I took a sample three months ago and forgot to send it in. It's been on a shelf ever since. Can I still send it in? Will the results still be good?

Should be fine. We might find some moisture, from condensation, but otherwise the results should be okay.

I think $22.50 seems kind of steep for an oil analysis. I know other labs do it cheaper. Why should I pay you $22.50?

Because a person - not a computer - sits down and writes the comments for each and every sample we do. We look at your results and tell you in plain English how your engine is doing. Plus, if you call us you always get a live person, and we're happy to talk to you about your results. Plus, each report is infused with love. Can't you feel it? Feel the looooove!

Uh, whatever. $22.50 still seems steep.

Then you are just the candidate for our discount program. Click here to read more about it.

OK, now for the technical questions. What is a TBN?

A TBN (total base number) measures the amount of active additive left in a sample of oil. The TBN is useful for people who want to extend their oil usage far beyond the normal range. To learn more, click here.

How long should the oil stay in the engine before I sample it?

We like to see at least 10 hours to get decent data. If the engine has a problem, it may very well show up with fewer hours than that, but more hours are preferred.

Can you analyze the oil in the generator?

Yes. The kit is the same and the cost is the same. We also sell pumps for drawing samples.

The Post Office refused to take my sample and said this is hazardous material. Is that true?

No. Click here to see a letter that explains how our kit (and the oil in it) meets postal regulations.

Why are my molybdenum, boron, calcium, phosphorus, and zinc levels different from universal averages?

We do not separate out the various oil brands and grades when we calculate universal averages, so in effect, the universal averages are a mix of all different types of oil out there. Therefore, the additives that are present in your sample will not match those in the universal averages column. Click here to see what all the elements mean and where they come from.

Is there anything special you need to know about my marine engine?

Let us know if your cooling system is opened or closed. If it is open, we need to know if you operate in fresh or salt water. We have a special slip available here specifically for marine engines.

I was a horse's behind when I filled out the slip, and I didn't put down the hours on the oil, the hours on the engine, the right engine type, or the right oil type. Can I give you that info now and have you redo the report?

Well, yes, we'll do it, but repeat offenders make me grouchy.

But not me, right? I'm special. You wouldn't get mad at me!

Uh, right.

Blackstone Labs. Not your everyday oil lab.